Additions shown in brackets.  Deletions struck through.

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof [including co-opting the administrative branch of government by a union of fanatical eschatology-craving fundos and equally fanatical Zionists-in-residence]; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press [except for Wikileaks]; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble [unless they are called “Occupy” and assemble in Zuccotti Park], and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances [which shall be limited to back-room lobbying by a variety of extremely wealthy, self-serving special interests].

Amendment II

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed, [including the right to own and use weapons of mass death in order to stand your psychopathic philosophical.ground].

……

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, [except for secretly monitoring everyone’s e-mails, messaging, texting, and phone calls] and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause [or political expedience for those in power], supported by Oath or affirmation [especially Tweets], and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized [unless the powers that be don’t want to].

……

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted [especially not putting Jeffrey Epstein in a less-than-luxury “jail” suite, and preventing him from spending his days out and about, doing as he pleases].

Further suggestions for politically incorrect, reality-based emendations to the Bill of Rights are welcome.